I woke up starving today

And I planned on only having coffe and rice for dinner. However, my bf bought me a turkey sub and I had a burger and fries…I’m horrified to know my calories for the day and honestly it was such a stressful day that I’m going to give myself a little peace and not count them. However, that’s proving to be more stressful than my entire day. Such a stupid thing too. Calories. Tiny little numbers that don’t really matter but somehow can manage to make me want to kill myself and everyone around me if i eat even one over my limit.

Sometimes I want to go back in time and kill the person that invented calories, but I’d end up obsessing over something else so who cares?

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2 years out of treatment and I still struggle

I really don’t do well in situations that leave you uncertain to the future. It could be as large as “I’ve lost my job and I don’t know what to do/how I will pay my bills” to not knowing what’s for dinner tonight. Normally I struggle with the latter anyway.

I did well today. I started running again, I’m slow but it felt nice to get back out there and jog even if it was only a mile. I don’t want to know my time yet. I ate breakfast and lunch, didn’t purge, had coffee and because I’m not sure where my NEXT meal is coming from, I’m panicking.

My next meal. As in tomorrow. As in waaaay far away from even being thought about. But I’m panicking and I’m uncomfortable and stressed and confused. Sometimes I’ll plan nothing but coffee just to ease the stress. Sometimes being hungry helps because the hunger gives me something to focus on. I know I can’t run while starving myself tho, and there’s my dilemma. How can I starve and somehow at the same time be a successful runner?

You can’t. Not for long anyway.

How good is coffee?

I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything better than a nice, hot cup of black coffee. It’s quite honestly the best thing ever made and I’d bow down and kiss the feet of the inventor if they were still alive.

I think they might be Jesus…

Coffee is amazing. Better than hot showers, vacation time, playing with your cats that secretly hate you (outwardly hate you), food, drugs, sex, anything! Why? Because it’s always there for you.

When you just move out of your parents place and can’t afford to feed yourself, you can always afford a dollar coffee. When you wake up with absolutely zero reason to get out of bed, you can always get up and make a cup of coffee. When you have no energy to train for your marathon because your bulimia has wrecked your body and left you deader than Dracula’s mom, coffee.

….Maybe I’m having too much coffee.